change gon' come.

things have been strange. and i'm okay with that.

sometimes things get strange. and you have to go with it.

finishing school and getting off of a routine threw me for a loop, and it threw me hard.

anxiety has crept it more than i feel okay with, but in return, small changes have begun to take place. 

i started painting and doodling again. it's been a struggle to start because of loads of pressure and doubt. and in the middle of the night when i couldn't sleep, i just did it. i did it without thinking and i started feeling like myself again. and i realized that it doesn't matter if i can't be everything i want to be right now. it doesn't matter if some days i feel lost and some days i feel happy and some days i just worry. it's part of MY process. i am an artist. and my process is my everything. and i can't expect everyone to understand the way my mind works. but when things start to connect, and i see the strings in my mind that tie everything i believe, everything i want and everything i feel together... i know that something profound is happening.

all i can do is begin to do small things every day. big things will follow, and before i know it, i will have something to show for my efforts. i worry about that a lot. what am i accomplishing? what to i have to show for the time, these days, that i have had to myself? the clutter is beginning to dwindle and in turn, the clutter in my mind is starting to smooth over and turn itself into clear, concise and creative thoughts. 

i've been reading a lot. to avoid negative thoughts but also because i missed being able to just read. 

[ just read. hah, what a luxury. and yet overlooked, always. ]
i zipped through my last pick and if that's not a testament to my happy heart, i don't know what is!

the books i have been reading [and am about to read.. or re-read] are literally clarifying my mind each and every day and i've noticed, have been strangely connected to one another. 

 SHOWN: 01. "THE GREAT GATSBY" BY F. SCOTT FITZGERALD, 02. "THE BELL JAR" BY SYLVIA PLATH, 03. "THE CATCHER IN THE RYE" BY J.D. SALINGER, 04. "INTO THE WILD" BY JON KRAKAUER, 05. "THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER" BY STEPHEN CHBOSKY

also, can i just say that i am quite worried about The Perks of Being a Wallflower becoming a movie?! AHH! 

as my favourite novel, i want the movie to do it justice, of course. 

but i've always had a dream of sitting my future high school English class down and changing their lives with this book... and i'm not sure it will ever be able to happen in the same way once a movie of it exists. well... i'll still try anyway!

  

also #2, this song. has been on repeat all day. i literally can't explain what it is doing for me. listen. 

i have a lot i would like to begin to share. i do.
and i will, when the timing is right for me.  
it took me a long time to figure that out for myself. and i'm okay with that.