this is by no means a finished product

...but i simply could not stand to look at my old, ugly blog design for much longer.

i get by with my ability to draw, use a scanner, use photoshop and tweak with blogger as far as blog design goes... but this re-design has me stumped! i am not quite sure what my aesthetic is right now. i change things often, and consequently, my taste changes often as well. i guess the bigger question here is asking how i define myself right now.
and that's a big question!


how do you define yourself?

p.s. normal size font, i despise you. small font, you are nice, but i worry about people being able to read you well! (what do you think? is it a smidgen on the small side?)

<3!

change gon' come.

things have been strange. and i'm okay with that.

sometimes things get strange. and you have to go with it.

finishing school and getting off of a routine threw me for a loop, and it threw me hard.

anxiety has crept it more than i feel okay with, but in return, small changes have begun to take place. 

i started painting and doodling again. it's been a struggle to start because of loads of pressure and doubt. and in the middle of the night when i couldn't sleep, i just did it. i did it without thinking and i started feeling like myself again. and i realized that it doesn't matter if i can't be everything i want to be right now. it doesn't matter if some days i feel lost and some days i feel happy and some days i just worry. it's part of MY process. i am an artist. and my process is my everything. and i can't expect everyone to understand the way my mind works. but when things start to connect, and i see the strings in my mind that tie everything i believe, everything i want and everything i feel together... i know that something profound is happening.

all i can do is begin to do small things every day. big things will follow, and before i know it, i will have something to show for my efforts. i worry about that a lot. what am i accomplishing? what to i have to show for the time, these days, that i have had to myself? the clutter is beginning to dwindle and in turn, the clutter in my mind is starting to smooth over and turn itself into clear, concise and creative thoughts. 

i've been reading a lot. to avoid negative thoughts but also because i missed being able to just read. 

[ just read. hah, what a luxury. and yet overlooked, always. ]
i zipped through my last pick and if that's not a testament to my happy heart, i don't know what is!

the books i have been reading [and am about to read.. or re-read] are literally clarifying my mind each and every day and i've noticed, have been strangely connected to one another. 

 SHOWN: 01. "THE GREAT GATSBY" BY F. SCOTT FITZGERALD, 02. "THE BELL JAR" BY SYLVIA PLATH, 03. "THE CATCHER IN THE RYE" BY J.D. SALINGER, 04. "INTO THE WILD" BY JON KRAKAUER, 05. "THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER" BY STEPHEN CHBOSKY

also, can i just say that i am quite worried about The Perks of Being a Wallflower becoming a movie?! AHH! 

as my favourite novel, i want the movie to do it justice, of course. 

but i've always had a dream of sitting my future high school English class down and changing their lives with this book... and i'm not sure it will ever be able to happen in the same way once a movie of it exists. well... i'll still try anyway!

  

also #2, this song. has been on repeat all day. i literally can't explain what it is doing for me. listen. 

i have a lot i would like to begin to share. i do.
and i will, when the timing is right for me.  
it took me a long time to figure that out for myself. and i'm okay with that.

real talk

as a preface, let me begin by noting that this is not another measly "i'm sorry it's been foreeeever since i last posted" post. this is me, breaking it down- for myself and for whomever wanders into my little blog life.

SO! what's going onnnnn!?

to answer: so much and so little! (eh, maybe that is something you should know about me- i am sincerely the boss lady of contradiction. i will try to elaborate)

here I am, a twenty-four year old girl-lady (a scientific term) who lives in the suburbs with her fam, finished an undergrad in Drawing and Painting and recently completed teacher's college! 

it's strange to acknowledge how much that means some days. i often brush it under the metaphorical rug and think it's no big deal because of what I am accomplishing, or rather- not accomplishing, at the moment. let's be real- i'm a bit hard on myself lately, but i just want to get to a point where i am happy (eeeep, is this turning into more of an emotional post when I meant it to be a comedic one? better get my funny bone oiled up!).

i can chalk this all up to the 'artist life'- a place where self-doubt is embedded, my imagination is ripping at the seams with new ideas and i am a perfectionist at heart. i think, though, even more than that... i may be stuck in the in-between. a place where i am too young to be old but to old to be young, where i am a student AND a teacher, a place between jobs where my own deadlines stress me out, where i love to sleep in but hate to wake up late, somewhere that i am happy to be single but long for a relationship and days where my wanderlust is at an all time high but i spend all afternoon in the backyard. 

see? the. ultimate. boss. lady.

i think what i'm getting at here is that i do have some vision for myself. i know who i ultimately want to be and i know what a good portion of those steps are to get there, but some days it's rough and other days i do relish in the fact that i can finally pick up a novel and just read. or that once i have a few things knocked off my to-do list (school board applications have been my nemesis) i can just paint. or that because i taught a creative writing class for three weeks, it has made me want to finally open up a new notebook, without fear of ruining it and just write. 

these sound like simple things. things that i could have done if i just set the time aside. but i have a funny way about me- like the way i consciously choose not to use capital letters because i don't like them much, or the way escalators still make me nervous, or the way i am addicted to freezies in the summer- one of my funny ways is that i can often only focus on one thing at a time. it's sad that reading and painting and writing got pushed aside for so long (because they are my favourite things to do) and because of this process of focus, it has been difficult for me to start back up. i think part of this is because of that icky self-judgement that creeps in and that mental block that the in-between has delivered. no, i know it is. i vow to myself to not focus on that- how bout we focus on the 4.2 GPA i have in teacher's college? or that i have to potential to shape young minds (muhahahahaha!)- oh, i promise i won't use that power for evil *cough* all the time *cough*

for real real, as a teacher, it's hard for me to tell you how big my heart grows at the thought of giving one kid some inspiration or determination or the urge to create. i have to breathe a little deeper when i talk about it. it's how i know it's one of my passions. and in the few weeks i have had off, i realized that i want all of that for myself. one of those 'it won't be easy but it'll be worth it' journeys. and what better way to help myself grow than to document it? my countless posts on instagram, my scribbles of thoughts, my collecting of things- i have always been a documenting kind of girl. and this blog name should reflect just who i am. i do want it to be my memoir of sorts.

that's where the lack of time, the one-track focusing, and the doubt has prevented me from making myself and this blog exactly what i envision. i can't mistake this for an apology. i never want to start off like that again. i don't want to set up a list of the things i will do for this blog and never get around to them, feeling defeaated... i want to be real and understand that things will unfold as they should. i know what i want and i have to go get it. 

i have a lot to share with whomever would like to read. this is my opportunity to find out who i am, and where i want to go in my life. and i want to share honestly and unabashedly. i want to write things that make you think. i want to learn and never stop learning. i want to paint shit! sharing is caring, and i feel like y'know, it's time to have an internet snugglefest with all of you and share what's on my mind.

 

i hope that maybe this gives you an idea of where i am at. and really, it is good for my to understand that myself. 

adventure IS out there, and i'm going to find it!

until the next time, dear readers...

have a sunshiney day!

-Angie 

a quick thought

I have been on quite a journey in the last two years of my life [which I would like to share at some point] and tonight it has lead me to this thought in hopes that it might make you catch your breath for just a second. Or maybe in hopes that every time I see it I may catch mine:

when your life is changing and things are stressful, when you have been hurt or begin to doubt yourself...
what you must do is:
remember who you are, remind yourself of your dreams, be your best self and always, always love unconditionally

 

thank you.

inspired

I thought a good way to blog some more is to write about some of the people and things that really keep me inspired (which is not an easy feat with all of this busy-ness!)


one of my favouite bloggers is miss kaelah bee from honey bee in the city
i also come from an art background and some days really wish that i had the nerve to drop everything and follow my dreams like kaelah did! she has such a positive attitude and she is simply adorable (i want every single outfit she has ever posted, seriously)!

she recently blogged about the feeling of wanderlust, and that really struck a chord with me.
i am currently in teacher's college, and it gets a bit mundane sometimes (lesson plans, more lesson plans and more lesson plans!). i am on placement right now, working with grade 7 and 8 students and while it is rewarding, i wonder if this is what i should be doing for the rest of my life.
i mean, c'mmon! i'm an idea girl! i have big ones, and lots of them! and i do have that wanderlust- every single day...

so here's to the girls who follow their dreams and help others who may feel lost at times, really feel like they can follow theirs!

-Angela Anne


p.s. kaelah is having an awesome lomography giveaway on her blog at the moment. make sure to enter! i know i did!

oh dear

bad news bears

my 5 year old MacBook pro is a goner. $800 repair- so I might as well get a new laptop all together.

(which is going to take me a while to work for)

my posts, which were beginning to appear more often and more inspired may be on hold, again- or they are going to be all boring and stuff hahaha

worst timing ever! right before school!

I have so many changes to make before August 22nd, eep! wish me luck