real talk

as a preface, let me begin by noting that this is not another measly "i'm sorry it's been foreeeever since i last posted" post. this is me, breaking it down- for myself and for whomever wanders into my little blog life.

SO! what's going onnnnn!?
to answer: so much and so little! (eh, maybe that is something you should know about me- i am sincerely the boss lady of contradiction. i will try to elaborate)

here I am, a twenty-four year old girl-lady (a scientific term) who lives in the suburbs with her fam, finished an undergrad in Drawing and Painting and recently completed teacher's college! 
it's strange to acknowledge how much that means some days. i often brush it under the metaphorical rug and think it's no big deal because of what I am accomplishing, or rather- not accomplishing, at the moment. let's be real- i'm a bit hard on myself lately, but i just want to get to a point where i am happy (eeeep, is this turning into more of an emotional post when I meant it to be a comedic one? better get my funny bone oiled up!).

i can chalk this all up to the 'artist life'- a place where self-doubt is embedded, my imagination is ripping at the seams with new ideas and i am a perfectionist at heart. i think, though, even more than that... i may be stuck in the in-between. a place where i am too young to be old but to old to be young, where i am a student AND a teacher, a place between jobs where my own deadlines stress me out, where i love to sleep in but hate to wake up late, somewhere that i am happy to be single but long for a relationship and days where my wanderlust is at an all time high but i spend all afternoon in the backyard. 
see? the. ultimate. boss. lady.

i think what i'm getting at here is that i do have some vision for myself. i know who i ultimately want to be and i know what a good portion of those steps are to get there, but some days it's rough and other days i do relish in the fact that i can finally pick up a novel and just read. or that once i have a few things knocked off my to-do list (school board applications have been my nemesis) i can just paint. or that because i taught a creative writing class for three weeks, it has made me want to finally open up a new notebook, without fear of ruining it and just write
these sound like simple things. things that i could have done if i just set the time aside. but i have a funny way about me- like the way i consciously choose not to use capital letters because i don't like them much, or the way escalators still make me nervous, or the way i am addicted to freezies in the summer- one of my funny ways is that i can often only focus on one thing at a time. it's sad that reading and painting and writing got pushed aside for so long (because they are my favourite things to do) and because of this process of focus, it has been difficult for me to start back up. i think part of this is because of that icky self-judgement that creeps in and that mental block that the in-between has delivered. no, i know it is. i vow to myself to not focus on that- how bout we focus on the 4.2 GPA i have in teacher's college? or that i have to potential to shape young minds (muhahahahaha!)- oh, i promise i won't use that power for evil *cough* all the time *cough*

for real real, as a teacher, it's hard for me to tell you how big my heart grows at the thought of giving one kid some inspiration or determination or the urge to create. i have to breathe a little deeper when i talk about it. it's how i know it's one of my passions. and in the few weeks i have had off, i realized that i want all of that for myself. one of those 'it won't be easy but it'll be worth it' journeys. and what better way to help myself grow than to document it? my countless posts on instagram, my scribbles of thoughts, my collecting of things- i have always been a documenting kind of girl. and this blog name should reflect just who i am. i do want it to be my memoir of sorts.

that's where the lack of time, the one-track focusing, and the doubt has prevented me from making myself and this blog exactly what i envision. i can't mistake this for an apology. i never want to start off like that again. i don't want to set up a list of the things i will do for this blog and never get around to them, feeling defeaated... i want to be real and understand that things will unfold as they should. i know what i want and i have to go get it. 

i have a lot to share with whomever would like to read. this is my opportunity to find out who i am, and where i want to go in my life. and i want to share honestly and unabashedly. i want to write things that make you think. i want to learn and never stop learning. i want to paint shit! sharing is caring, and i feel like y'know, it's time to have an internet snugglefest with all of you and share what's on my mind.

i hope that maybe this gives you an idea of where i am at. and really, it is good for my to understand that myself. 
adventure IS out there, and i'm going to find it!

until the next time, dear readers...
have a sunshiney day!